Compulsive Sexual Behavior and Sex Addiction – Listen to Your Instincts

I find when working with clients, almost all of them can pinpoint an instance when they just “knew” that their compulsive sexual behavior had become a serious problem. Whether it was paid sex, an affair, a one-night stand, or compulsive masturbation, their inner, healthy voice was literally screaming things like, “This is no longer okay for me,” “I don’t want to act this way any longer,” “I think I need to stop this,” or “The last time this happened, I got in trouble.”

Despite the inner voice pep talk, their willingness or ability to stop the behavior fell far short of the need and desire to feel the dopamine rush of their addiction.

Rationalizing and Denying Sex Addiction

The problems erupt when the healthy voice—or what I like to call healthy shame—is overridden. When this happens, we don’t trust the healthy voice or flat out can’t hear it. It gets drowned out by rationalization and denial—the litany of continuous lies that sex addicts tell themselves: “I won’t get caught again,” “I’ll do it differently this time,” or “It’s not really that bad.”

There is psychic pain and neurosis, known as cognitive dissonance, that occurs when we don’t listen to our inner voice of reason. It’s the inner clash of conflicting beliefs that leaves us feeling depressed, anxious, and numb without understanding why. As a result, the destructive behavior starts again—often intensifying—and the cycle repeats. The line is crossed again and again until a major consequence finally hits: an important life event is missed, a loved one discovers the truth, or a job is lost. These crises become the “awakening”—a moment of clarity born from pain.

The Path to Awareness, Acceptance, and Recovery from Sexual Addiction

The moment of crisis is actually a lifesaving moment. In crisis, we finally become motivated to act. We start listening again to that voice of reason we’ve been ignoring or suppressing. Eventually it says: “Maybe it is time to get help,” “Maybe that therapist was right after all,” or “I have a real problem with sex and love, and it’s destroying my life.”

One of the greatest benefits of recovery is that we no longer have to waste precious psychic energy denying the truth. We can face our demons, understand the root causes of our compulsive behavior, learn to trust again, let go of destructive beliefs, and truly heal. The pain can finally be lifted.

Your Instincts about Sex Addiction Are On Target—Listen to Them

If you’re in crisis and that inner voice is telling you something is seriously wrong with your sexual behavior—listen to it.

Reach out to a trusted friend, attend a 12-step or support-group meeting, or contact a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) today. You do not have to keep living in pain.