It’s okay to admit you don’t want to stop. You read that right. It’s okay to admit you don’t want to stop.
When I tell people who are new to recovery that it’s okay to admit that, their eyes open wide and they say, “It’s okay for me to say that out loud?” Yes. It’s okay, because now’s the time to drop the BS and get real.
I can write this, because I know just what you’re going through. See, I’ve been there myself. I’ve been in recovery for a long time, but there was a time before my recovery when I would sit at my kitchen table and obsess about acting out. I knew that if I acted out, I wouldn’t be able to function. I knew what the consequences were, and yet I was amazed that I still wanted to act out. Like you, I kept telling myself, “I’m going to stop. I’m going to stop. I’m going to stop.” I was constantly fighting myself. Never underestimate the power of denial.
Back then, it hit me…I would always want to act out. I didn’t want to stop, but I wanted to want to stop. I’m here to say, the first step on the road to recovery is admitting you’re powerless over your obsessions, and that your lives have become unmanageable. Just admit it.
Control Versus Out of Control
It’s common for addicts to try and control their behavior. They go to such extremes as throwing away their phones or computers so they won’t act out anymore. They tell themselves, “I won’t look at escort websites. I’ll throw away all my devices and get a flip phone.”
Or they try to rationalize their behavior. After all, addicts are masters of trying to act out and avoid consequences. They might say, “Well, maybe if I look at porn only until 1 a.m., then I won’t be up all night and can get to work on time.” They may have sex with a prostitute, wear a condom, and not insert their penis inside her thinking, “That’s not really sex.”
Addicts think of the craziest things to control their actions, but it always backfires. When they realize they can’t control the situation, they flip out and go on a tear. They’ll rush to Best Buy, get a new computer or phone, and binge. The way to end this cycle is to stop trying to control the situation. Stop trying to stop.
The gut-true statement is this: I can’t stop, and I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to have the consequences, but I need to get into recovery to find some way to relieve myself of the desire to want to keep going. That’s what I need help with. To relieve myself of the desire to keep going.
I’m going to let you in on a secret. It’s not just about you wanting to stop. There’s something else working against you. Your brain has been hijacked.
The human brain is the most complex organ in the body. Where a computer communicates through electrical circuits, our brains contain billions of cells called neurons that communicate information with each other chemically and electrically. Organized in circuits and networks, each neuron is like a switch. If it gets enough information from surrounding neurons it’s connected to, it fires, sending its own signal along the circuit.
As an important part of our survival, the brain pays attention whenever we do something pleasurable like eating delicious food, exercising, socializing, and having sex. It releases a burst of dopamine which is a chemical that tells our brain that whatever we just did to cause that surge is important.
When dopamine is released, it triggers the production of a protein called DeltaFosB. Whether it’s sex addiction or drug abuse, the changes in the addict’s brain are the same. Dopamine tells the brain that the pleasurable thing we experienced was important, and DeltaFosB tells the brain to do “it” again and again, whatever the “it” is. DeltaFosB slowly accumulates in the reward circuitry.
Sensitization occurs when repeated activity strengthens the connection between the neurons. The brain connects the pleasurable action with the nerve cells that store memory of that experience. These connections or associations are called triggers or cues. Anything that activates those connections can lead to an overwhelming desire to act out. For an alcoholic, the cue might be walking past a pub. For a sex addict, a cue could be driving past an ATM machine. For example, they associate the ATM with drawing out money to pay a prostitute. Just seeing the ATM triggers that desire to act out.
“Neurons that fire together, wire together.”
~ Donald Hebb, neuropsychologist
The brain is very malleable. The term neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to change in response to stimulus. When an experience is repeated, the connections between the neurons strengthen and new connections grow.
Some addicts develop ritualized routines that lead up to acting out. They may come home from work, get on the computer, and join a chat room. This becomes the routine where the addict engages in the same behaviors in the same order every day. Their life soon revolves around these rituals. It’s imperative to identify and address these unconscious rituals that lead up to the behavior as the ritual and the behavior go hand in hand.
Give Yourself a Break
There’s more than just your behavior going on here. There are unconscious forces working against you as well as anatomical changes occurring in your brain. Just admit you don’t want to stop. Don’t try to control the situation. That’s the jumping off point right there. Once you publicly admit that to others in recovery, and share that with people who understand what you’re going through, you will have taken the first big step toward recovery.
The Power of Admitting Your Powerlessness
The first step of a 12-step program is admitting you are powerless over your addiction. Many people think of powerlessness as a sign of weakness. In fact, embracing the fact that you are powerless is a sign of strength and bravery.
You have a disease. Like cancer, you need professional treatment. You cannot cure your disease on your own, so stop trying. It won’t work. Once you admit you are powerless over your addiction, you can begin rebuilding your life. By letting professionals help you through your treatment and recovery, you will be that much closer to living a happier and healthier life.
It’s okay to admit you don’t want to stop. Our professionals at New York Pathways understand where you’re coming from. Letting go take courage. We’re here for you—without any judgment. Because we understand. We’re ready to help you take that first step. Reach out to us today.